dumb people's man - me

past three days, night when i go to bed i know that am sleeping without writing. still i dint make an attempt to write. i had resources but this is not my job to get up and go to office even if i don't like to.
as usual this three days went against all my plans or moreover no plans. but i dint have my rest, still am tired. how much ever i sleep, still i am tired. don't know what is wrong with my body.
i had many things to write, i kept thinking about it, but now mind is blank...

one girl told me i am only dumb girl's man. until a girl is dumb she will be with me, when she becomes smart, know the ways of the world, then she can't be with me. this line got stuck up with me. i don't know if she said as fun or really meant it. but after thinking much, i have modified that line slightly as dumb people's man. people who are dumb as per the standard's of this society for them i am the man. for others am yet another normal person.

i will end up being that only. am happy for it. i cannot calculate and do anything. even if i try it will be a very bad failure. so i end up doing what is best for me at that time. and all these days with few hiccups and a downfall that has made grave for me, everything is still going on. i cannot think before talking. if i do then it means i am not comfortable with that person and it is just a social relation. with people i love, i share my mind in form of my words. but that is not how people are ready to see you. my friend would always tell that we cannot share even the deepest of our secrets to our life partner or even to best of our friends. and i don't agree that from the beginning. once i tried to hide and it has burnt my soul. i was hurt with the same thing and still i did the same thing to hurt myself more. then what is the point of the relation is my question? if you have to hide then what is the need? what is the difference between your boss and your partner? you are hiding things and having a mask.

i cannot wear mask anywhere, let alone my partner or friends. that is me. still, i have to think about others people tell me. they tell me that others can't take it, i should refrain it. i have to tell in subtle words and expressions. the only thing i tell is i do the same with my boss, you want me to come home and do the same? then where will i be without my mask, grave?

no, i can't live a life like that. if i have to then i will better die. who cares...

i no more care what it is gonna take me to be without mask, but i will be without it. if it is going to take me to grave, let it. accepting someone as they are is means being dumb? trusting someone even if you know they gonna push you down, with the hope that you will be an exception is dumb? when holding your beloved partner or friends you close your eyes and not for a second you fear while walking on cliff is dumb? protesting to wear mask and accepting other's face as it is dumb? not being with the society's way is dumb? being unrefined with your thoughts to people you love is dumb? then please get to know I AM DUMB and I AM DUMB PEOPLE'S MAN.

i don't know how much dumb people are gonna be with me at the end, but i will be with myself to see through it. i can't give up on it. the day i give up, there will be no more posts written here...

i am happy about being dumb and ready to take anything that comes my way DOT

her name is that of the rise and pride

it was a nice day. she never thought something like this would happen. she has never believed in the usual orthodox way of life. her expectations has never been so high. for her life is second to second living. though she knew where she would be after 50 years from now she lived her days. inevitable will happen, she knew it then and knows it now. still for her planning has not been a part.
everyday surprises makes her happy. she enjoys it as she would enjoy a great victory. today she had really won so much that she is ecstasy of life force. for her that was nice. she has found something for herself and also knows that this is what she had been searching for without a search. now she knew it. so she is lying back relaxed and seeing it without loosing any moment.
she earned a kiss for her work. that kiss had so much love that it could not be equaled to all the love she had received from everyone put together in all her life. it was from a stranger, who might die in another few weeks or might be even days, who knows.
it was a dying girl's wish. she had fulfilled it without a slightest regret. she would treasure that kiss. imagine a kiss coming from a lips that was been kissed by thousands of people for years and has not kissed a single person in 39 years. how much love, what intensity. she was just feeling it. she dint move. she dint want to talk. she dint even know how long she had been sitting like that.
that night she packed her bags, moved close to the kiss, the love of life. she lost her permanent address and felt first time that she has her identity. now she had everything in the world for her and still she wished only to walk with her back pack.
she was walking in the direction where sun was rising and giving its first rays on her still wet cheeks....

a day in my dindagii

yet another post from mobile. 

it has been a pretty long day. 

it started with Ray of hope sneezing out in the mind. being the inevitable is more important.  next with so much fog I loved the drive to office. office had been pretty busy as usual. few things worked and few dint. forgot to make few calls. leave it.

evening was the highlight. took my car for a long drive. nearly 100 miles. it was fun. now tired and thinking should I go to office tomo while seeing a robber's eye. 

after poonam pandey using the word Nasha feels awkward for me.

but have a new deal to try all of it with my  darlingeeee. 

now head is banging. have so much that I felt to write but not now. one thing is come on let's live it and try it. 

meanwhile you have to know that there was some breathtaking views on the bridge while crossing the river to newyork. dint take a pic. but it was amaIng. only at that point I felt sad for being the driver this evening. I had only glimpse of that concrete and steel lights filled. but was so nice. 

picture perfect

there is this small girl who doesnt like to get photographed but if you see her you will wish to take atleast one small expression of her in the frozen moment. you try to take a pic of hers, then she will make faces, which will also be beutiful but in motion that with low light and los whutter you will fail again.
the plot here is to take a pic of hers. you cannot go near her, so only option is tele, but the light is low, which means you have very less space for shaking. she will be doing her work and you must hide and take the pic. the disadvantage of being far is there will be so many disturbances between you and the object of interest.
3 hours, you have to spend time holding nearly a kg in your hand and have your eyes open and closed. you cant be missing even small moment for yourself. and everytime there is something that is happening around. this girl is not the only point of interest. being a photographer you must be also alert to capture other nice moments. because altogether make the album complete. this girl is going to be the icing on the cake.
if you are a person using spectacle or lens then your eye will have more strain, which is a choice you have made of your own. so can't complain about it and still can't ignore it. meanwhile you have other obligation of being one in the crowd. you are not a professional photographer, you are just having passion. in real life you also have to do the social talk and mingle with the crowd so others don't ignore you as they are expecting to hear few words from you.
this all forms to a set, now you are the actor and your actions are most important because once missed the cahnce is not gonna comeback to you. consciousness is very important though that is the hardest as there is distraction always.
you get involved, you keep cribbing you want what you want, you keep experimenting, time is running, this is your last chance, and you run around her and meanwhile you also capture other moments.
while capturing others, taking a rest, drinking water, having a bite, stretching your hands, blinking your eyes many beutiful moments goes straight into your heart. no one knows what you have captured, they can't feel what you have felt, they can't even come closer to the words you tell and you will not be able to put to words. with that energy you still try to take the picture perfect still.
the night is over and you are satisfied with that small smile ans sparkle of eyes. you think the job is done. come home eager to see the big screen smile at you. just at the very moment you know that all that you captured is not actually captured. it is not accessible. the moments have gone by only in your heart. now noone can see it. they are expecting to see it, but there is nothing to show, no words to explain. but you know what you have taken, you have seen what has been taken.
you sit, take deep breadth, watch into the darkness through the window, close the big screen, only darkness around you, then your eye opens to the sky, to see all that has captured, it is yours, you have lived it, no use to explain it. people who can see your face will know that you are happy and will not scold you for not showing what was promised but just give a smile that you can understand.
how many have got that smile on your face?

again nothing tonight for you to feed on

how does it feel at this very moment?
chilly air near the legs, hot atmoshphere above head, in between the heart is beating and brain is trying to control it and how can it, inevitable right?

completed 3 matrix part and felt bliss as usual, it is inevitable..

feel to do adventure like a crazy maniac, and a surprise came in with a extra holiday that is gonna come this monday. so should get prepared.

there have been so many things that is going on around, in between all of this, with an interlude i found few things, that are inevitable, if you puch more then it comes back more vigourously. just leave the spring, dont press it down until and unless you wanna jump with the help of it. if you are not ready then know when you are ready.

my eyes are not made for details. but they are made for error finding. for bringin in perfection. for bringing in optimization. by making things simpler. but the process is complex. cant help it. let it be.

the matter is simple, today i had good lunch, and still i dint forget things to do.

that all is not gonna matter to any of you, for you what is required is what will you get at end of this? nothing. simple. then why to read it. dont. until and unless you are curious to get to know about a person without knowing him or it is like overhearing him talking to himself. that is your entertainment that you will get.

for me, i am just killing my keypad in the process. have to shout. and i will, simple.

how simple things sound when it can be put in words and how hard they can turn when they become actions.

i just got the feeling that am not giving even a single positive thought while writing this in my words. but if you are able to read between lines you know that it is exactly opposite. this reading between lines is just a saying with which you can just escape telling that you mean this but someone understood but someone has understood that. now you are not responsible. what is a word, nothing, it is just the what meaning the word implies. and how are we gonna know what it implies until we dont know what other person is. can we know the other person? hell with it, no way. who is gonna show you themselves to you. so just go with your meanings and with others words. job done.

now interestingly peoples reactions change from time to time for same words. the chemical reactions are so exotic to note. that is why we have bored ourselves to do so many things. now how many people like chemleon and its character and have thought about its survival capacity?

all this is nothing.
now the days work is done.
closing it to save battery.
done.
night.

it is done

today also writing from phone...

we see only what we want to see... we can't see more than what we understand...

there is no choice anywhere... it is illusion.. only matter of time to realize it ...

I have a story to tell, but not finding right time to tell.. hopefully soon..

don't even care to read

writing daily is not that easy. that too for a person like me who us lazy and has bad memory, it is not advisable. 

but what to do. things happen. 

today has been a long day. have worked so much that I have lost blood at the end. I have to take care of my body. that is the only asset that has kept me going. but now it is seeing downfall. I can feel it well. 

there was one thing which made me angry today. but I am still figuring which part of it had bought that anger. 

rainy and misty day. 

am tired of everything I guess.....

write up for sake

it is not easy for a person like me to write daily. today also switched off Lappy and am of to bed. now again mobile is my man. 

are humans to be in satisfied or sad till end?

matrix movie looks philosophical to me. after so long last night and today I have finished watching two parts. feeling good and more philosophical. so should keep a check on me while writing this. 

how much have you accept yourself and people around you and situation you are in?

the snow makes me happy. I wish to play more in it. for some reason my body is feeling weak and cold. where s the source to replenish. where else other than yourself. 

now with all due respect I want to be honest with the writings I do. this is where I talk to myself. for this reason am keeping this hidden. only people to whom it should go will it go. how many are there like that?

how has my writing changed from the beginning. should check. not much I guess. improvisation is good or ? 

when you are on bed and used your most inconvenient method to write then it would turn up like this. 

still writing is good. feeling that am talking. 

once upon time there will be me. this is without grammar mistake. written purposefully. 

now good time. 

all old words from this new old mind

how many of you have wanted to be wise? how many of you wanted to grow old? how many of you are resisting to grow old? how many of you have your childishness/innocence in you still? how many of you are conscious, about any of the thing that is around?

i dont know when am gonna stop starting something with a question and end something with a question... be it..

these days i feel am old... dont know if am wise... i still dont know what to do when... the thing i do confidently goes exactly the opposite way and the things i do in dilemma goes the way it should have gone.. so the fear stays.

question should be what is right and wrong? does wiseness always take you to the right things or the righteous things?

always i live with question.
when i tell am a follower, they deny it and tell am a leader.
when i try to lead, they knock me down and tell 'follow'.
what should be done when?, i don't have a clue.
when i know all that, should i call myself experienced?
what is that am going through now then, is it not an experience?
the world is a nice place. i believe it strongly. all, around, are nice people. you have to know them through their eyes. we can't do that anytime, so it is not gonna be a nice place. i give way for everyone to do what they want, that leads to me being used up, people who love me tell that at the point of love.

if time is a continuum, why is not happiness continuing like sadness does.

the boy in me has always been curious, ready to do things. open for anything. which has got him so much scar. now he is little reluctant. he is confused. people tell things and he just does not want to do it. he thinks. he waits. when he does again he is left with scar but nothing else. so what has changed? am yet to find. only thing right now i know is the boy is suffocating. he wishes to, just be. how can that be allowed? no. no. no.

never should anyone be let become free of themselves. they should be in love, they should be in relation, they should be in bond, they should be in misery. a free person will be love instead of being in love, that is what many people tell. i have not seen anyone being love, i have just see people being in and out of love accroding to their convenience.

i wish to increase my concisouness. i know am gonna find it one or the other way, when i do it, i know that what i would tell will not be understood. people understand only what they want to, the way they want to, the way it is convenient for them, and the reason only known/unknown to them.

so langauages, words, this writing, blog, everything is only for myself as only i can understand it as written. whoever reads it, would read it through their eyes and end up understanding the meanings they know...

this thing has somehow got so well into my heart because of which i talk less, people tell am boring, my very own best buddy, after all these years, that is a blow man. it makes me more close to what is called as sanity.
it is beautifully told in these lines,

...
Maine yehi socha hai aksar
tu bhi main bhi sabhi hain sheeshe
khud hi ko hum sabhi mein dekhen
nahi hoon main hoon main to phir bhi
sahi galat tumhara main
mujhe paana paana hai khud ko
...

Jo bhi main kehna chahoon
Barbaad karen alfaaz mere
Alfaaz mere
...

Written originally on 09-JAn-2014 and corrected on 23-Aug-2015.

just for the sake

last night i was thinking to write but because of cold my mind had lost the control of doing things.
today i wanted to sleep early and still it is 11:10 and am writing this and waiting on hold with a customer care person.how great. my roomates had once again made me stand out without key. that helped in me getting to watch SHAGRID

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1828289/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shagird_(2011_film)

it was interesting to watch. but after seeing so many movies like this, i was able to figure out the plot, still the movie had some surprising elements.
anyways, baileys with hot milk is taking its toll now.

i should sleep...

there are interesting things that happens and will happen, just stay happy and the continum will keep going to next moment...

sleeping

hypothesis time

last night after writing the last post many things came to mind... but one thing that got stuck was this word, trsut.
my first job was in a software company. after the training, during the final evaluation interview, my manager dint ask any question but told one thing, never trust anyone, how so ever close they are to you.
that statement stuck to me very strongly. at various ocassions it has come back to me. and every time i keep telling how can this be true? if it is true that means then we can't expect this world to be in peace anytime.
what story do they teach us in school? a old lady is preparing vadai, a crow comes steals it, then comes a fox, it asks the crow to sing, the crow sings, vadai falls down, fox takes the vadai and runs. this same story has different version like old lady giving the vadai to crow as part of donation. crow holds the vadai in leg and sings, so fox becomes sad. in any version i find that either you have to cheat to survive or you have to be alert always. fox is always the bad person.
from small we teach the kids not to trust and finally when they get their partner how can we expect them to trust eachother fully? this is the basic question right?
so my post of understanding and trusting and just to give without expecting is logically not possible with this equation.
i have known this for sometime now, still i try to keep telling i trust people. i have trusted and have been let down in many ocassions and i also have let down few in my words or actions. when i turn to those actions of mine and see, that i can see how i have acted. i am able to see where that comes from. i have changed many things and try to trust people but with the basics of that kind, it becomes impractical.
so i give my best now. so atleast i will fill a x amount of trust more than that was existing before. someone after me will increase i by another y amount. and this slow process should somewhere bring a point everyone will trust the other blindly. and there is no need for so mch debate on so many things, then communism and capitalism will not be needed. it will be just beautiful life in this beutiful life.
trust give unconditional love, which can transform anything.
though the words are only few lines, this to happen is hypothetical or somewhere when none of us would be there. but lets hope it will happen and with that hope i go to bed now...
night to all and to my lovely darlingeeee....
 

waiting for this hug?

my mind has gone for a toss I guess. tomo office. so I have to sleep early. but am not interested, so watched Telugu masala movies. even after that don't want to go to bed. so did pending things. now I forced myself to bed and the. found that I have not written anything and closed my Lappy. 

so this will be my first post from my smart mobile:)

this touch screen makes me go grr.. grr... but am left with no option 

to the business...

http://youtu.be/PcOC5L_KPfI

have you heard this song?

today I saw a photograph. marriage photo. by one nice thematic photographer. 

that photo reminded me of this song!

what men expect from women and what women expect from men are completely different... everyone knows this.. but somehow we don't acknowledge and do things that would make things easier...

I am no relation guru. and this is not part of men are from mars and women are from Venus. I dint complete half page in that book. 

this thought crossed me. and I wanted it to be recorded that's all...

I have never known what to tell or what to do at right time. I have just done things. and from there my life goes. up and down. downs have been more but ups had made the wait worth. 

now this society has trained men to look women for many thing but not a part of self I think. men first love women's body, the pleasure part, the things they can do for them, the love, the warmth, the companionship. even after getting all this men are trained subconsciously to look for better options. media, society, drinks, and other addictions, work, stress and the need to prove machoness all does it's job that a man easily starts going for a backup. they need that kick. and from there it goes down the line for generations of men. now men are in position not even to think. there are very rare cases who see women differently. but there also there are too many conflicts. it takes so much to get the right sync. 

wen on the other hand are very emotional. their expressions are mostly complex and hard to decode. even if they tell a simple sentence you will know it does not have a single meaning. their thought system is like a hay wire, only they can untangle it. My lady untangles all my haywire :$ for her it is so simple. for me it takes ages. I am not generalizing here. but my point here is that women are more emotional connectors. most of us know it. but the thing is now with the modern women idea and women revolutions what are we doing. making them also like men. they also see more of materials and physical things in a relation. 

the ratio is now made even. so men will not trust women. women will not trust men. so even if two people stay together, there will be a small gap. this applies to most of the relation. that is how the relations are becoming now. so the word 'move on' becomes very famous and popular. everyone wants to use it. no one wants to give it a try and figure out what is going wrong. just have to move on. am not telling people who don't like each other to stay together. but before joking and before leaving a relation do we understand the other person? do we see things their way? do we give them a chance to be themself ? are we seeing as  things are instead of what we want? 

this is a big topic. it can go on. here the thing is, the lyrics of this song. what is man thinking and singing and what is the women thinking and singing. with this can we bring a sync by being open to each other. standing nude in front of your partner doesnot mean physically, but also mentally. do you have the guts to show everything about yourself and still will there be a person who will love you unconditionally? 

if you tell yes please give me a hug.... let me see how much hugs I get in my lifetime.....

ithuku mela ennatha solla

there have been lots that i should write, i have kept it all pending for somedays now.. today i will try to put them all in as much as possible readable form realting all, then it is upt you all to understand it...

only this much i had wrote on a random day and now i dont know what was there on my  mind.
so what i will do is,
do nothing....

just let this untold space be as untold as it has to be to become the unknown known....

it is yet another day - it is just the truth

today,
it is yet another day...
i have survived...

what for?
good and simple question
though the answer is not that simple

eating, loving,
roaming, buying,
roaming more,
spending even more,
still unhappy

but i have survived
yet another day

dreams flow nonstop
heart beats continuously
search is there because of consciousness
though the road is never ending..

i survived this day
to see the next

what for?
i don't know
yet

the moment
i hear your voice
feel the touch of your skin
your breathe on my chest

i get the strength to survive
yet  another day
that will be born tomorrow
might be even million more days
that are to come

it is not
dependency
it is not
incapacity to be alone
it is not
anything

it is
just the truth

it is yet another day
that i have survived
to share it

to save the routine-i fail

silent resolution of writing atleast something daily is no more a trade secret as there is someone doing black magic to find it..and also this has crossed the minimum 24 hrs time frame now ..
this noon had something in my mind to write when i saw people contiously entering int the four rised walls with a sharp rising cieling called temple and falling on the floor in the artificially heated interiors. all these people when walking on the roads in minus degrees, see a white person then they smile smile, wish good morning. when they see a black they get afraid and walk slowly away or avoid that route. and in this interior, seeing their brown people, they dont even try to make eye contact, but they try to be the socialized people and try to behave well by telling thank you and sorry. here falling on the ground they are telling they are beliving only that idol shaped figure as their ideal.

i went for prasadam, got it three times and also got my sweet share, so nothing for me. am noone to comment on them. just that was a thought. not gonna brood on it as now am not interested to write what i was thinking 12 hrs back..

confusing pattern rises all of a sudden in our life, but calling it sudden would be a wrong thing. it is part of the butterfly effect. it isvery hard to realise the things we have done to make such things happen. and we are grown up in such away that we cant accept it even if we find it.
luckily somehow i see me. i can stand out and see what i have done for me to become like this. only thing i dont understand is why was not i knowing the actual meaning and consequences of my action. i guess i dont think much. but i try to do the right things, still few of my actions really has no explanations. i would have completely not known about it, like a ball rolling between my legs.

it is always a long ride. you should start enjoying it. but when you get older rides become fearful. i dont want to get into that fear. so only i try to keep the boy in me alive always. but see, he is being suffocated. he has to do things like this, like that, then for this and that. he is hardly breathing. the day he dies or turns insane the man will become fully eligible for this society. her will be ruthless and live a atrocious life and die with fear. i am trying hard to stop that. but driving the car this noon i was feeling the boy is fading somewhere. he is losing his roots. ther is noone to nourish it. give it the nutrients required. he is afraid that he might do more mistakes, so he is sitting in the dark corner and trying to hold on to the crushing door from killing him.

someday i would read all this hopefully, and i would laugh at myself either as a boy or man. if it is the boy then the laugh will be fun, if it is the man then the laugh woulf be hollow and empty..

y boy and y man? y not none?


 

buddha would like to sleep

...when i am older i will be stronger
they'll call me freedom
like the waving flag...

i like this song...

there are lot many first things that happen, and they become special. not the repetations. repetations become boring. we kind of want things different and so dont like things being the same.
in vipasana they teach you where even a single cell in your body is not the same, it keeps changing and they call it 'anichiya'... deepan and we used to relate it with a girl's name to remember it and to make fun... but on serious note, which is not so serious, anichiya meaning also changes from person to person depending on time to time basis.
but that is not what i wanted to write her today...
days have been growing longer even in this winter, sleep comes by very less, and first time dark circles, first time restlessness, firstime hoplesness, first time continouous thoughts that wants to kill the self, like this many first times are ther, but these are all not coming because of something first, it is just part of the repetations that has been happening, which i had missed to note.
if only i would have been looking everything for the first time every other tme i look, if only i would have not been careless to oversee as things are repating, if only...
but now it has happened. whatever. all happens for a reason and the reason is always good. i tell this to myself always. this time for me it looks weird telling that to myself. it is now been more than a year and there is always constant pressure on head. you have one thing or the other coming up and springing up on you and you tell all is for good and other comes, agin you tell the same, but every other step it comes, still you will be able to tell the same thing without sounding weird? i dont know.
but i still tell it, though it gives the weird sound...

ever since i was being inquisitive, i have one question, why do people hold on and try to live this life? during some happy moments i have felt they should live for things like that, a word, a eye contact, a kiss, a hug, a hand shake, a slight sound, a sunrise, a moon ... but the very next moment i know what Agent Smith tells, 'it is ineveitable'. matrix is so much philosophical movie that, every time i watch it it gives me a pleasure, i might watch it soon, just getting that idea, but dont have it :(

the point is right-wrong, good-bad, truth-lie all we decide according to us. when we feel the way we want we define things. i have seen that around me, i myself have seen me doing that. but when i can come out of me and see then i know that it is all nothing. i want it and i did it, no other explanantion stands good. but whatever i do, can someone love you unconditionally? whatever someone does to you can you still love someone unconditionally? i dont think that is possible if we are grown in this world. because we are taught with many things that we cant give our self esteem for anyone, cant let ourselves go down for anyone. can we?

i am in the process of doing that. it is not easy though. i have to fight lot with myself. i make mistaes. i get burnt. i get hit. i break my bones. i have now a zillion pieces of heart. don remember how many bruises i hold, where all did i stitch to keep me in one piece, but one thing, i am trying. in this process i also be myself which ends up hurting people who love me the most. once bitten twice shy is what we are taught in our nursery as part of our education. with that education in head, i always end up losing precious love that i treasure.

one day i would like to stand up tall, even if it about a millimeter from the ground, even if that is during my last breath, smile that same smile i had when i cam out of my mom's womb, and look at everything and feel that thi time

i have grown a lil more older and stronger
am free of whatever that people think of me
am just being myself and have achieved the love
and i can love all equally without any conditions
and there will be noone who can see me and not love me
and it will be only a slight smile
and then
buddha goes to sleep..
 

my father - the true man

most of the times when I write blog, I see that I write when am gloomy. I have spent time to think this pattern of mine, and what I see is that, when I don’t have anyone to talk to then I start talking to myself. After introduction of blog, I started writing here.

In my happiest moments, I become calm. Silent. Usually people expect me to talk then, except One, and I dont. That calmness comes during my saddest moments to. That time I wish to talk only to few. When I don’t have anyone, then I come here.

Now it is one such moment, family moment. I grew up as a usual obedient studious boy. From there, my life changed towards things that keeps pulling me away from my family.

Now am very far from them.

They cant reach me when they want to. Only when I want to, then I talk to them. it is good for them that way. But whenever I talk I tell so much lies. They don’t know what I am really, except my dad. He somehow knows things I do and never tells anything. Only to him I tell truth. This dad son relation how it goes I don’t know.

This man has never spent time with me for very long time. For over 12 years now he has not a single question about where I go, what I do, why I do such things. He dint tell me to go enjoy the world with his words, he just dint tell anything.

I have never been very comfortable with my dad except during my childhood. For a very long time he was nightmare, I get afraid like hell. Because of that fear I had respected him. Don’t know if that qualifies for love. But now I love him. And I know all this while he has loved me. His way of expression is weird though.

And it is not that he has left me like that because am a boy. Even my sister he has given similar privilege. And he loves her more than he loves me. I have seen it. My sister is special to all. But I don’t know if she understands that. I always see her get angry so fast. Temperament runs in our family.

Today, when I spoke to him I felt to hug him and tell sorry, for not fulfilling his wishes like a usual son. I cant go by routine. I cant live the cycle. I get bored when I know the pattern. Only unceternity keeps me going. I don’t know how many people around me understand this. They think am crazy. But there are few people who be with me, even after knowing this part of me. Am happy I have such people.

My dad comes first in that somehow. He has not asked what is my salary till date. He has not asked for money. He has not asked why I don’t give money to home. He dint question me for anything. He just hears what am doing. For that one reason I stopped lying to him alone. I tell him everything that I do. Not my love life. Because I am still afraid of him I guess K

This man should have a nice peaceful death. And one of my priority list is that. He should happily welcome death. I should help him get that. This is not because he is my dad. He is a man who deserves that. He left things happen when he dint know about them. He has never ceased loving us. He loves everyone, just he does not know to express it.

Anyways I understood it, and don’t know if he knows that I love him like this. This time I respect him for being my father and this is out of love. He is a man who knows how to bring up a child. He tries to give them the best, and let them be themselves instead of forcing too much. He knows to give space. And he is a true father by accepting anything his children do. He loves every child and gives them their space. Even when I used to loose my calm to my younger sister he used to stand by them and tell me to give their space. True man I believe. I have not seen much men being so fatherly. I look up towards him.

Like him there is another person who loves me unconditionally, but doesnot know to express it. Like I was thinking my father dint love me as he dint tell things, I thought the same. I am still a small boy learning. Don’t know if it too late.

I have to show my dad and that person how I feel and love them. Mother nature always does the best for me to give the required time. Hopefully I get the chance to express it, ofcourse not in words.

 

Now if I right more than this I might start crying, which does not suit me and I will look horrible. So…

the shape is round and is caled circle

i have less than 8 mins before i post it today.
1st day of the day i want to write and i have a roomie who is not getting sleep and is disturbing me.
and i have hardly slept in the past 72 hours... totally 7-8 hrs...

brain is jammed with so many things. i have lost everything in 2013.
all that came to me, all that i earned, all that i loved, all people those who loved me. i lost every single person. i have become a loner.

vikas and deepan are there still. and syatchi is there without trusting me. other than that my family is thinking am living for them, which is a complete lie. why am i living? i dont even have a clue.

i know i cant take my life off, i have tried it at very young age and i was rejected that luxury or prison.

i am trying to live this life. i have never known to make decisions. even the simplest ones go away from me like one hell of a soccer ball.

whatever it is, i have made my moves, i have faced the consequences, i have loved, cried, laughed, travelled, lived, enjoyed, fucked, get fucked, get my happiness screwed, lost, won, irritated, depressed and felt many more unexplainanble feelings... all that has hapened to me.
now that all gives me a feel that i lived...


i am starting everything from scratch, to earn my life, to earn my living and everything that has to be earned. all that i earned dint come with the feel that it has to be earned. it just came to me for the work i did...

i am a good hard worker... smartness i dont know how much tribute i can take of that attribute...
but yes, i am gonna work my way out in this road, and lets see where ait takes me and what it gives me...

mother nature knows what exactly is my need, i just shouldnt fuck up things more and more like i usually do, other than that, my first day of this year comes to an end....