probability of a heart listening to a chance

2-2-2014

I can never follow my own decisions, leave alone anyone. thought of writing at least one line a day but last month fully I dint write anything. weekly once planned to visit a farm or countryside but dint visit a single farm or even tried to talk to one farmer. with work piling in my head and other worries occupying most of my brain I know there is gonna be a breaking point quite soon. whatever it is, it would be for the best.

am writing this post sitting in a temple. so many people religiously(?!) sitting and waiting for the priest to finish the mantras. Now they have all stood up for the lord's bell. 

On the way here, just few steps below near the shoe stand, I saw a couple with so much grudge towards each other, nothing special, of course. If you have grown in a society where arranged marriage is the only way for opposite sex to talk to each other, then you would know that this is nothing special. For me it was like seeing my mom and dad. 

At this very moment my dad is on a hospital bed with his chest cut, heart taken out and kept inside again before stitching the cut on the chest. My mom doesn't wants to leave his side and my dad wants only her to be by his side. I have never seen a day that began and end without their fight, weird love you may think, if you just see it superficially. If you get to see it little intently, you will find that there is reason for their fight and reason for this need for each other at such situation. 

Once married you have no option but to love the other person, you like them or not, if you like them fights will be less and if you like them a lot then fights would be even more. There needs to be no reason for a fight, it could be a leakage in the water pipe, rice doesn't cook well, vegetable price increases, any goddamn thing.


21-11-2014

I stopped it that day. Now i don't even know on what context I wanted to write this. So I leave it for you all to fill it. My brain is fucked up this very moment. The breaking point is looming around the corner i guess.

22-8-2015
Wow, now am dusting this up from my drafts to post it. I am in the processing of tying up loose ends, to get more deep into me, that is the reason for all this during up. The breaking point did come, history did repeat, I left the job again and am broke again, only this time I have figured out that it is only me who is going to fight it back. it is not because people are not ready to stand with you, but because I would like to stand for myself, whatever it is, even if it seem to be the ugliest ting on earth, I would like to stand up for what I think is right after deciding it in my own heart and would cling to it.
With that said, which is just a reassurance to my own decision, you can see how I had started this post!
Every time I toss the coin, i do that for every important decision, it flips in air, I would promise to myself that I would follow whatever is the outcome of the probable chance. but, I end up taking the road that was not having the probable chance. This very moment I am having something like that in my mind. I had decided to not go for it, because the probability had told so, still am not able to accept it fully and stay put. My mind is giving logical reason. This is like how my mom and dad love and hate at the same time, only the difference is I know I will take the road the my heart sees. Writing this here, telling to some stranger that I am gonna do the same thing, it is just the probability gives me reassurance that am still in my sane mind and I would go for only things that interests me and not just stand for something just because it tells me by a chance, gives a pleasure of soul that is in right path.

now, to all who reads it by chance, and are able to put this all into your box, cheers...
writing will continue...